Vineyard Vines and College Republicans….One of these things is not like the other.

Seeing as how it was the glorious advent of our birthday yesterday, we got to thinking. We are supposed to be here to call out all the ridiculous things that have been happening on campus, and we haven’t been doing that. We’ve been letting you down, dear readers.

Fear not, minions. Here comes a post that is just pregnant with all the minisodes that make up the big soap opera that is UNC. With a splash of DOOK added, too! Let us assure you, we will NEVER publish something from a DOOK student in our esteemed publication, not like those fiends at the Daily Tar Heel did this morning. (In case you missed it, here’s the letter to Andrew Dunn from a DOOK history major.)

Well to start off, students rejoice! UNC will now be providing you with another chance to further clog your arteries and build up your fat stores for the impending ice age with our favorite pigtailed ginger (no, not Nash Keune), but Wendy herself! After some shady dealings and secret meetings involving the installment of the creator of  The Frosty, students attempted to rally and buck the corporate system. Sorry, kids but you can’t fight the corporate brunt of fast food.

Our favorite response was the valiant attempts of the Facebook group, “More Fast Food on Campus?”, where our favorite wall post was tragically removed. If you missed it, the eloquent Austin C. Campobianco really hit the nail on the head with his quip “Taco Bell All Day Every Day Don’t Give a Fuck.” We need more people like this in our lives. Austin, we will gladly share a cheap meal of grade-d meat with you anyday. Flatbread cradles three, anybody? And by the way, where the hell did Taco Bell take their original gorditas? This chicken ranch shit is for salads; Supreme, Santa Fe and Fiesta FTW.

Speaking of shady dealings involving food, we’ll move to a more pork-laden subject and discuss the erstwhile dealings of our lovely Student Government (bad joke, sorry.) Recently, Hogan Medlin has been undertaking one of his first tasks as SBP — choosing his official Cabinet. And forgive us for the obvious pun, but the problems are already coming out of the woodwork.

In case you didn’t read the Daily Tar Heel article about Medlin’s “effective” picks, here it is. The only thing effective about this Cabinet, though, is how effectively some were able to weasel their way through. If you were planning on applying for the Cabinet, you send in your application and it gets reviewed — or so Deanna Santoro, Chelsea Miller, and Cierra Hinton thought. Team Hogan’s selection committee decided pre-emptively to continue the search for Hogan’s secretary before reviewing the original applications they were presented with (maybe they were trying to destroy the stereotype of the lady secretary, as so eloquently pointed out in a recent kvetch about the College Republicans and their affinity for female secretaries.)

In an eleventh-hour move, Jonathan “the cinch-hitter” Tuggman calls up none other than Ian Lee, begging him to complete the secretary application with his one remaining hour to apply. We mean eleventh-hour literally this time; it was 11:00 at night. Lee, who is also a member of the obnoxiously-politically-correct Class of 2012 Commissioners, completed the application and was subsequently selected for the position. Well, all’s fair in love and Cabinet selections. Maybe Deanna Santoro can call them out with all her attempts to pass the Sunshine Act of Student Government. In her attempts to make StudGov “more inclusive and transparent”, maybe she’ll let us apply for a Congressional Appointment! Deanna, expect our application in your inbox soon. Every organization needs a fair and nonpartisan chronicler of the deeds.

Going back to the original problem we had with the DTH today, it’s infiltration by Duke. What the heck is going on here?

All of this seems a little shifty to us, probably because it’s Duke, but here’s the basic jist we’re getting of the situation.  Justin Robinette was probably doing a half-assed job of being the Chairman for the Duke College Republicans, most likely spreading jam on important documents and racking up the phone bills with long, late-night calls to Tom Tancredo (insert flying brick here.) The belligerent Duke CRs were already trying to fire his ass and were just too slow to do it before he came out. If you want to see their actual reasons for firing him, check out this word document.

What they didn’t include in the document, however, was some of Robinette’s supposed “shopping sprees”. During a North Carolina Federation of College Republicans convention in March, Robinette supposedly made a trip to the local Vineyard Vines shop, buying himself lots of fancy clothing with little whale prints. Later, he supposedly submitted these Vineyard Vines receipts to the Duke College Republicans for reimbursement….we’re not sure how he passed off Vineyard Vines as Republican business, but….

In an update from the Chronicle, it seems that the Duke StudGov Judiciary Committee ruled 3-1 in the case that Robinette was not discriminated against. Looks like they listened to the letter this morning from UNC College Republicans Chair Anthony Dent, coauthored by Duke College Republicans Chair Carter Boyle. Again, since when are we working in cahoots with Duke? We don’t like the cosigned nature of this letter at all; in fact, Dent is probably passing UNC secrets over to the Duke CRs like Jane Fonda in 1970 Vietnam.

Thanks for staying with us this far. Go out and enjoy 25 cent beers at Deep End, or at least enjoy these links, which are just as cheap:

Oh hell no, hipsters.

On the subject of hipsters

Volcanoes

The We Dislike DOOK link

NY Subway has a sense of humor

Wendy’s supporters, here is your fate.

IN other news, Madonna on Glee tonight?

Idiot Apple employee/graduate of NC State loses the next generation iPhone in a bar. That’s what an NC State education gets you!

Olympian Garners SBP Title, First Floor of Davis to be Converted Into a Half-Pipe

The main lecture room of Carroll Hall was thrown into disarray on Monday night as a surprise candidate cinched the win and secured the position of Student Body President. Surprise write-in candidate Kazuhiro Kakubo, a transfer student from Japan, fist-pumped for all to see after being declared the winner. Hogan Medlin was not available for comment, nor was he spotted at the revelation at all. It was explained later that Medlin was unable to attend the event, as he was having Chris Bakke’s head surgically removed from his shoulder.

Medlin looked cheerful after the successful removal. Photo credit DTH/Lauren McCay

After he moved to the runoff, having Bakke’s head attached to his shoulder seemed like a good idea to Medlin, who later told us that he was unable to shake the “Bakke angel-devil syndrome” and proceeded to have the head removed.

An addition of some surprise pomp and circumstance caused the revelation ceremony, which usually lasts about 45 minutes (42 minutes too long, if you ask us) to run longer than usual this year. The eliminated candidates all received personalized consolation prizes and engraved plastic trophies, harking to the third-grade mentality where “you’re all special” and “everyone gets a prize.”

If you're still trying to uncover our identity, look for us walking outside a picturesque, faux White House backdrop, probably in similar questionable '70's attire.

Nash Keune received the “Rosie the Riveter (and fellow ginger) Propaganda” award . Even after being knocked out of the runoff, the article about his campaign on the Daily Tar Heel website is still the most commented. It takes real strength of character to maintain that level of ridiculous for that long.

The award for “Most Creative A-Frames” went to Monique Hardin. We personally found the puzzle piece-shaped wooden blocks to be quite charming.

Cheesy nature background? Check. Seemingly difficult sweet-looking trick? Check.

“Most Likely to be Confused for an Olympian” goes to Greg Strompolos. If he went to the CVS and bought some of that cheap fire-engine hair dye, he could probably be passed off as a body double for Sean White!

Last but not least, Shruti Shah, Medlin’s opposing runoff contender, walked away with “Most Valiant Attempt to Retain Humor on Campus”. Her bold attempt to repaint and restore the Narwhal castle did not go unnoticed, as the happy narwhal was left in its place on the side. However, in reference to our last post, yours truly Woodward and Berstein have uncovered the mysterious current abode of the Nash-tle. It’s lying in pieces in a dumpster. As we suspected, another member of the UNC chapter of Bad Boy Records was the notorious B.I.G. culprit. Deanna Santoro, managed to strong-arm Shah by threatening to file a lawsuit against overuse of funds or something equally ridiculous. Probably like a tax on narwhals, a la King George III.

**Let us stop you here. For those of you who believed us up until now, stop believing. Congratulations is due to Hogan Medlin, Student Body President for the 2010-2011 year!! Olympic snowboarder Kazuhiro Kakubo is not a student at UNC, but he has been called the “bad boy” of snowboarding so we think that’s enough to give him a little position at UNC. Maybe he and Greg can compare notes on getting some sick air.

Back at the ranch, (does anyone say that anymore?) there’s trouble brewing. The Daily Tar Heel, along with the esteemed Edit Board, reported on the egregious mistakes made by Pope Gillooly and his “vatican council” of the BOE. We’re not really sure who knows what’s going on now, though, because of the clarification and correction added to the DTH article from the Depressing Shit We Already Knew Desk. What we were able to surmise from the article was that Hodson ruled against the plaintiffs because she didn’t want to deal with any other cases (11 this year already) – we smell a cop out.

While the plummeting economy is still affecting students’ minds, it seems to now be taking control of their corporeal actions as well. Yesterday in the Union Gallery, a student was spotted vigorously shaking a tin box of change in the faces of fellow studying students. He validated the brash clanging by saying it was for his Dance Marathon fund (therefore, in efffect pulling the “cancer card”.) Even though DPS was not called to the scene, it is still in debate whether or not this action should be categorized under solicitation or panhandling. Campus officials, willing to overlook the incident because it’s “for the kids”, have found themselves in a predicament as this excuse runs rampant to validate underage drinking and general belligerence.

Finally, in a galaxy far, far away from Chapel Hill, Fashion Week is in full swing, and funny shit is going down. First,  the very demanding ice-queen editor of Vogue have to stand in a line to get into the Diesel show. We think the bigger question here should be… since when does Diesel get their own slot at Fashion Week and and why are people clamoring in line to get in?

We love the charity and overall idea behind “We Are the World 25 for Haiti”, we’re just not so sure about the guest list. There were artists we hadn’t heard from in forever, like Mary J. Blige, Josh Groban, and Adam Levine. That was all well and good until they brought in the teeny-bopping Mickey Mouse II club of Miley Cyrus, Justin Beiber (estimated age 4) and the Jonas Brothers. Auto-tuned T-Pain along with Weezy helped make up for it though, along with oh-so-random rap in the middle section just to make sure there wasn’t too much triumph in one song.

If for some reason you aren’t following us on Twitter yet, be a sheep and go on and follow us! @dailytarhole

Chapel Hill Dubbed the “New Roswell” as Alien Activity Removes Large Apparatus from Central Campus (and Funny Link Sunday!)

The few students who ventured to campus today were surprised to discover a stark void as they crested the hill on Polk Place and stared at the strangely naked edifice of Louis Round Wilson Library (yes, that is its real name). The silhouette of makeshift turrets and pictures of narwhals that defined the “Nash-tle” were nowhere to be found in front of Wilson, leaving authorities at a loss as to the whereabouts of defeated candidate Nash Keune’s narhwhal-themed A-frame fortress. Detective/BOE Chairman Peter Gillooly does not keep office on weekends and was therefore unable to be called to the scene, so students should not expect to find a chalk outline where the castle used to stand.

How does something so large disappear so suddenly? Answer: teleportation.

Little is known about the disappearance of this beacon of jollity, which retained its whimsical narwhal drawing on the side after being transferred into the possession of Shruti Shah, who has been officially endorsed by Keune.

There was no evidence left at the sight; we ruled out an Indian attack after the word “Croatan” was absent from the marble steps of Wilson. (For those of you out there who don’t happen to be North Carolina history buffs, this is what we’re referring to.) This travesty of a disappearance can only be added to the likes of Jimmy Hoffa and Amelia Earhart on the ever-growing list of “Things That Mysteriously Disappeared”, which has garnered its own corner of the Wikipedia Universe.

We have contacted Wikipedia officials, however, regarding the fact that the great TUPAC SHAKUR did not make the list of suspicious deaths/mysterious disappearances. How do things like that happen?

Given the similarly mysterious circumstances surrounding the disappearances of both the Narwhal Castle and Tupac Shakur, as well as Hogan Medlin’s campaign’s enormous street cred, our investigative reporting team has been led to conclude that Team Hogan is actually a reincarnation of Bad Boy Records.

Team Hogan has found their niche in the music industry.

Someone call the pop culture police!

But seriously, we would really like to know how Bad Boy 2.0 managed to make off with that cumbersome contraption. Did you do it Trojan-horse style and put rollers on it? Or did you perhaps enlist the help of Xtreme sports extraordinaire Greg Strompolos and tie a bunch of skateboards together? Oh wait, that’s unlikely, since Greg also endorsed Shruti.

And Nash's castle was brought into Troy with a great rolling of wheels.

Or did you finally utilize the alien sector of the campaign group to beam it up, abduction-style? These people would back that theory up for sure, despite the fact that they have one of the creepiest URLs ever. Ever.

So where are you, Nash Keune? We’re still convinced that Nash and Co. have figured out some way to make the Nash-tle reappear in the most inconvenient spot on campus. David Copperfield will probably show up to help, too.

Administrators were left speechless upon discovering that the Nash-tle had been beamed in front of the door of the Chancellor's office.

Speaking of things in places where they shouldn’t be, how about some booze and a racetrack? Wait, that makes perfect sense. Oh, you weren’t talking about that Longchamp, you were talking about this Longchamp.

Ladies, ladies, ladies (and maybe gentlemen too), head on over to Perez’s palace of gossip to check out the new Kate Moss-approved line of alcohol transport units…by which we mean Longchamp bags.

They’re sleek (actually kind of lumpy usually), they’re stylish, and they’re sack-like enough to hold more than a fifth! A recent study found that 8 out of 10 of these “alcoholism-enabling” bags found in a classroom will have Burnett’s in them. Hey, who knew habitual intoxication could look this good?

For those of you who already downed all the alcohol you had stashed in the Longchamps you already had, probably to celebrate our favorite holiday besides National Gum Drop Day (which is tomorrow), here’s more of our take on Saint Valentine’s Day.

We noticed a disproportionately large number of joggers out on this glorious, sunny Singles Awareness Day. Why, you may ask? Because jogging buddies are actually the poor man’s psychotherapist. Provided, of course, that you have the lung capacity to keep chatting about your romantic woes for an hour. Usually one buddy does and one doesn’t, creating the pseudo-therapist/yapper dynamic.

And to the solo joggers, we don’t think Raleigh Road is a great place to improve your dating situation. You probably don’t want to go out with the rando who offers to pick you up on the side of the road and treat you to a romantic Valentine’s dinner.

As for the obligatory holiday song, this is for you people who haven’t spent the day listening to “Bad Romance” or anything by Frank Sinatra. Our favorite cynical song for February 14th is this fabulously twisted remix of “Use Somebody” by the Kings of Leon.  Taking the title literally, AC actually raps about using someone’s body. Do you think the Clefs could work this one into their repertoire? The “You using me, I’m using you, so baby who’s the tool?” line might diminish their sorority girl cred though.

As promised, here are your links for funny link Sunday, and one of them involves a Duke bash – what could be better? And you thought we didn’t love you…

1) Here’s the Dook sucks link of the week, and it makes us want to root for Dartmouth.  At first we thought this was from SNL or something due to the fact that the Dartmouth girl looks like Jimmy Falon in drag, but no, it was the real Alex Trebek! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aeCIrGywIo

2) A pair of U.S. speed skaters nab the silver and gold after a double Japanese trip-up near the finish line in Vancouver. If we could only get GM and Chevy to pull this move against Toyota and Honda, our economy would be good to go. http://www.vancouver2010.com/olympic-news/n/news/afp-news/short-track-speed-skating–korea%27s-lee-wins-1-500m-short-track-gold_277216LP.html

3) In case you were wondering, fellas, Snookie has revealed that she might actually qualify as a midget. We did some calculations and determined that the missing Narwhal Fortress is equivalent to approximately 2.52632 Snookies.  (That mean’s she’s 4′ 9″!!!! Do you understand how incredibly pint-sized that is?) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCU4r53nZfQ&feature=PlayList&p=C54EBD4F209C3007&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=108

4) There’s also no way that Wendy Williams is actually a woman: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1A_sxzuBDU.

5) BBC, how could you do this to us? http://arbroath.blogspot.com/2010/02/misery-bears-valentines-day_14.html

6) An appropriate song for all you optimists on this festive day. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRYNYb30nxU

7) Last but not least, this picture of Tracy Morgan is just sheer hilarity. http://gawker.com/5465321/were-still-waiting-for-the-answer-to-cop-outs-greatest-mystery