Sophomore Justin Crowder Brings the LOLs In Poorly Written Anti-Young Democrats Letter

Sophomore Justin Crowder made it onto our list of the Top 5 Tools on Campus after his Thursday Letter to the Editor in the Daily Tar Heel about the “Prop 8 Musical” in the Pit.

Crowder complained that the three-minute musical (well, song) sponsored by the Young Democrats last Wednesday showed the organization’s “antagonism toward religion and have made it very uncomfortable for Christians to affiliate with their organization.” This was the most articulate sentence in the entire letter — a feat that is, in a tragic way, impressive.

The musical, which was meant to provoke dialogue about California’s Proposition 8, was based on this original one, which is pretty funny as Jack Black plays the role of Jesus. We’re concerned that it was enough to make Crowder “uncomfortable” affiliating with his religion, since we’re pretty sure most people have a more resilient faith than can be shaken by a man also known as Nacho Libre.

After stating that the New Testament says “fornication and homosexuality are considered to be morally wrong,” Crowder condemns the “arrogant bunch that put on this moronic musical.” (Let’s get this straight, Crowder-haha-you don’t remember that the Bible also says to “love your enemies and pray for those that persecute you”?)

Crowder ends his letter with what seems to be an attempt at making a joke, but falls short of both “clever” or “funny” as he writes: “…it is necessary the Young Democrats repudiate religious folk, seeing as heaven ain’t big enough for both Chairman Obama and God.” What does that even mean? We like to think God is down with Obama, for one. Plus, we’re pretty sure that “President” precedes Obama’s name, not Chairman…kind of how “Bag of Douche” should precede Crowder’s.

Of course, we’re not too surprised that Crowder wrote this letter. He works for the Carolina Review (you know, the magazine filled with hateful articles that nobody knew existed until last month), created a Carolina Conservatives social network and led the campaign against the child care services fee. In other words, he consistently lends his support to…not supporting things. Wow, Justin. That sounds really, really productive.

On the bright side, it has earned you a spot on our list of biggest assholes on campus. Although you tag yourself as “Everyone’s Favorite Conservative,” on your comments on the Daily Tar Heel Web site (yes, readers—in quotations, under his own name…wtf?), we think you might be overestimating your popularity. Then again, it wouldn’t be the first time you’re wrong.

Overheard at UNC and Funny Link…Sunday

Near Chancellor Square:
Girl 1: God, babies are so lazy.
Girl 2: Yeah, they’re a huge drain on the economy.

Cleaning lady in Morrison:
“Beware of the 3 B’s. Jesse Brown, Bobby Brown, and Chris Brown. Browns Beat Bitches.”

Father of prospective student at the top of the escalator in Lenoir:
“Oh my God, it’s like a cruise ship!”

In Davis:
Guy 1: I’m going to the bathroom. Wanna come with me?
Guy 2: Sure, dude. I’ll hold it for you.

After class, Professor to Wayne Ellington:
“I realize you’re representing the university….unexcused absence.”

On the bus:
Guy 1: Did you see last night’s episode of “The Secret Life of the American Teenager”??
Guy 2: Yeah, I did! I can’t believe how she got the job at the hot dog place.

Guy in Davis elevator:
“Random comment. It smells like hamster in here.”

At a table near the Pit:
Girl: I like your shoes!!!
Guy: I like your body.

Random guy on Franklin Street to couple Saturday night:
“That girl is so beautiful, you should buy her a Kelly Clarkson CD.”

Guy in the Quad:
“Their jerseys shouldn’t even say Duke on the front, they should say ‘bitches.’”

And now…for your favorite Funny Links:
1) We’re big fans of Flight of the Conchords and love this season’s hilarious song, “Hurt Feelings.” You don’t have to watch the show to appreciate the humor.

2) Chapel Hill fans watching the NCAA Tournament will probably want to watch the Guitar Hero commercial featuring Roy Williams a few more times…despite Coach K’s presence, it’s priceless.

3) Hey, want to know how to look like a huge creep? Check out the commercial for rapist glasses.

4) Don’t blame us if the song in this video gets irreversibly stuck in your head. It’s a chimpanzee riding on a segway!

5) Have you ever played Minesweeper? Even once? Watch this.

6) Imagine Facebook in REAL LIFE…”He’s writing on your Wall, of course!”

DTH Fail.

The Daily Tar Heel clarified today that yesterday’s front-page, above-the-fold article “Language programs cut,” was actually…completely wrong. Their correction said that the article “implies that courses offered through 10 UNC degree programs have been eliminated. These courses will still be offered, but the graduate degree programs in romance languages have been consolidated.”

Implied might have been a little soft, since the headline said “Language programs cut” and the article’s lead read: “Ten UNC degree programs were eliminated at the Board of Governors meeting Friday, nine of which are graduate programs in romance languages.”

It went on to talk about how “it wouldn’t represent a loss of many classes,” and then quoted shocked and upset graduate students, who talked about what an impossibility the situation was, and how it “came out of nowhere.”

Er, maybe because…it did come out of nowhere. (Surely those quotes were a red flag? Or a stop sign? Or a yellow light? Come on. At least a “Slow Kids” sign.)

The DTH ran another front-pager today, which essentially explained that nothing about the degrees changed except the wording. Readers were mystified after they realized that two days of this front-page news was never actually news to begin with.

“I just don’t understand why they didn’t check if it was right,” said one disillusioned sophomore as he stared sadly at his DTH. “I don’t think I ever will.”

Humorously, the article said, “Some graduate students in those programs spent a hectic day Monday wondering if their program was changing.” However, the DTH failed to mention that the confusion was actually a result of its own actions.

Hopefully, the DTH can be a little more careful with its reporting in the future…or at the very least, accept some more accountability for its mistakes. We don’t mean to be harsh. After all, Anoop showed he was able to find good advice from negative feedback on last week’s Idol, and even made a fan out of the supremely creepy Randy Travis. We hope the DTH you can do the same.

Student Congress Does Not Love Female Orgasms, Persists In Displeasuring Students

We at the Daily Tar Hole have been avidly following the conflict between campus group Project Dinah and Student Congress since last week, when Congress denied funding to the group for its popular “I Love Female Orgasm” event.

Student Congress, which ended up with a $15,019 budget surplus this year, used rules that are not actually listed in the Student Code to deny funding to the group and so Project Dinah is suing them (not in Real Life, but in the student Supreme Court. We are still so curious, by the way, about how that works. Are law students the lawyers? Does Chancellor Thorp appoint the justices? Are wigs involved?)

A member of Project Dinah, Alyson Culin, made the situation clear when she said: “I think there are people in Congress that don’t like our program…they are bending the rules in the Student Code to find justification to not give us funding.”

All we can say to Student Congress is: come on! (cough)

Frankly, we’re not surprised that Student Congress does not love female orgasms, or perhaps orgasms in general. From their behavior this past year, however, it certainly sounds like they could use a few.

Although the event might rub Student Congress the wrong way, they should keep in mind that hundreds of students in the past have found the sexual education event stimulating—in January, 500 students filled the Great Hall for the presentation, and ushers had to turn away about 300 to 400 students still waiting in line.

Why does Student Congress give large sums of money to events students complain about, like the anti-abortion display on the quad, and then refuse to support an event students loved and that many were unable to participate in this year?

Speaker Pro Tem Bryan Weynand said the organization only filed the complaint because of its disappointment. We don’t actually believe that but look forward to the climax of this situation.

Hopefully, Student Congress can set aside their biases to give students what they obviously want (isn’t that why they were elected?). The level of excitement for the “I Love Female Orgasm” event is not, in fact, a myth.

Overheard at UNC and Funny Link Friday

On the Upper Quad:
“You’re the second ginger I’ve seen today NOT wearing green!”

Bottom of Student Stores:
Mother to 8-year-old son: It’s O.K., you can take off your undershirt and expose your chest. You are a man.

At P.T.’s:
Guy: I hate when fuckers cropdust you at a bar.
Girl: What’s cropdusting?
Guy: You know, when someone farts while walking by you.

In the Pit:
Girl: It’s doomed. It’s like the O.C. after Marissa died.

In the Quad during class change:
“Oh, my God. I had such a bad weekend. I spilled hot water down my shirt and burned my boob really, really bad.”

In Econ 101 Class:
Prof. Byrns: Do poor families tend to have more children or less children than wealthy families?
Student: More children.
Byrns: And why is that?
Student: Because children are an inferior good?

Guy in Lenoir:
“…so I picked the girl up, threw her over my shoulder and just swung her around. Then I just threw her down, like power slammed her. I thought I was being so suave.”

In the Pit:
Girl: So, this this tranny was trying to get me to touch his penis in this awkward tug-of-war while 60 people were cheering. I finally got my hand away and ran out of the bar feeling strangely homophobic…I was like, FML.

Girl waiting for the U Bus Outside of Hinton James:
“I eat Ibuprofen like M&Ms!”

Funny Links:
1) Check out this hilarious couple we saw while watching the NCAA tournament last night:

Ahem.

2) Undoubtedly one of the greatest commercials of all time…feel the Tar Heel pride.

3) Ever seen Gladiator? Good. Now check out Pikadiator.

4) Enjoy the anti-Duke sentiments and Greg Paulus bashing in “I Kissed a Boy And I Liked It”:

5) The Mean Kitty song.

6) We assume you’ve already seen the Snuggie commercial. Now, crack up over College Humor’s take on it with their commercial for the “What the Fuck? Blanket”

7) Anyone who likes Girl Talk or wonders what he’s all about will absolutely enjoy this cool video.

Have great weekends, all. Join our Facebook group, The Daily Tar Hole!

Robots at DTH Use Paper to Discuss Why We Shouldn’t Use Paper, Students Perplexed

In one of its more stupid editorials, the Daily Tar Heel today used newspaper space to hate on… paper (oh to bite the hand that feeds!) The opinion board claimed that $40 of printing per semester is killing too many trees (sweet irony) and recommended that the University move towards an entirely paperless way of life. It said our laptops are presently “glorified typewriters” and that exams, assignments and readings should all require laptop use.

“Some students might not enjoy reading off their computer screens,” the editorial board wrote. “But those students need to get over it.”

The blatant disregard for eyesight, Dunder Mifflin, reading outdoors, distractions on computers, and the fact that the Daily Tar Heel is printed on a lot of paper every day—much of which is wasted—only served to reinforce our belief that poorly programmed robots control the content on the opinion page.

Of course, we can’t decide if this is a step up or not from yesterday’s front page, where the biggest article was about the Great Depression in Chapel Hill. Yes. The DTH broke news from exactly 100 years ago. We admit that this would have been incredibly useful for anyone on campus who suddenly fell through a time vortex yesterday, but that hasn’t happened since a little-known incident in 1997.

In a bout of optimism, we figured we would take today’s editorial as a backhanded compliment to us. Paperless and proud, we think we just might be your greenest source of news on campus.

Duke’s Gerald Henderson Fails In Dean Dome, Fails to Shack at Granville

(This article was submitted to the Daily Tar Hole by a group of students)

After Duke’s uplifting 79-71 loss last Sunday, sources report that the shameless Gerald Henderson continued to skulk around Chapel Hill, this time hoping to score with more success in another arena: Granville Towers South. Henderson was seen entering the building with his presumed girlfriend at about 11 p.m. on Sunday night for…er…a post-game special.

Three curious students told us they explored the dorm until they found which room the two were in, but were then confused about what to do. As a 6’4”, 215 lb. Division I athlete who once broke Tyler Hansbrough’s nose, their chances of taking Henderson down were incredibly slim (kind of like the DTH’s chances of going a week without publishing any corrections.)

Sexy in a way that maybe a turtle is sexy (and by that we mean not sexy at all)

Instead, the students in question attempted to tow Henderson’s car, after identifying it with Pennsylvania tags, a Duke parking sticker, a second Duke parking pass with the name “G. Henderson” written on it, as well as a Duke basketball bag with “Henderson” embroidered on it lying in the passenger seat.

But right as G-Ville South tower manager Jake Ratcliff picked up the phone to call the towing company, he glanced out the window and saw that Henderson was exiting the premises in a classic example of “hit it and quit it,” thus verifying the common belief that men who attend Duke are a bunch of slimeballs (also known as “skeezes,” “tools,” or “d-bags.”)

In a last-ditch effort to harass Henderson, the students chased after the car and yelled, “Go to Hell, Duke!” He stopped his car but did not get out, instead sharing a stare-down with one of the students before crawling back to Dirty Durham. After all, what else could he really say? After we spat all over him and his team, he still had to hook up in Chapel Hill (must be true what they say about Duke girls) before returning to the Dungeon. Added to the fact that the Duke lacrosse team was trying to mack their game on uninterested Carolina girls at He’s Not all evening, we can’t help but wonder why they all chose Chapel Hill of all places to ease their disappointments and dry their eyes after our 2 for 2 sweep.

Personally, we were hoping Henderson’s car would be towed and impounded and he would have to sleep on a Franklin St. bench while waiting for the Robertson bus. But keep your eyes open, Tar Heels…the opportunity could arise again.

UNC is Gryffindor, Duke is Slytherin…And T. Hansbrough is Harry Potter

On the Friday before the UNC-Duke game at Carolina, it’s as if the entire campus receives a Carolina blue injection of wild, frenetic, pro-Roy, anti-Duke emotion. “Are you going?” and “What phase are you?” replace all other standard greetings, including “Hey” and “What’s up?” Thus, readers of the Daily Tar Heel undoubtedly appreciated the newspaper’s complete lack of spirit on Friday, when it ran a column titled, “Hating Duke is Good, to a Point.”

Clearly, whoever decided to run that column and display such “heart” was either a robot, an alien or a combination of both (known as an aliendroid), but not a true Tar Heel. So refresh your spirit here with one of our own fascinating findings.

We at the Daily Tar Hole have recently experienced a revelation which draws on the Harry Potter series to describe our relationship with UNC’s neighboring schools. It is as follows: UNC-Chapel Hill is Gryffindor. Duke is Slytherin. Wake Forest is Ravenclaw. And N.C. State is, obviously, Hufflepuff.

We know what you’re thinking: it makes so much sense! Like Gryffindor, we are good, we are noble, we are kind, generous and strong. We care about the community—as evidenced by how Chapel Hill thrives while Durham simply strives—we care about one another (no stepping on student’s heads to climb to the top) and well, we’re the best.

Duke, meanwhile, is exactly like Slytherin. According to Wikipedia, they are characterized by “ambition, cunning, and resourcefulness.” (You know, like hitting Tyler Hansborough in the face to try to win.) “Hunger for power” is another trait of these cowards and they are most like serpents than any other animal.

Thus, it follows that Coach K is Voldemort. Although he looks more like Professor Snape with that hook-shaped nose, Snape has that whole complicated deal where he’s actually good and there’s nothing redeeming about Coach K.

You know what’s next: as Coach K’s mortal enemy, and the symbol of all that is good as well as great, that makes Roy our Dumbledore. The kindly, twinkling blue eyes, the magical wisdom, the commitment to sportsmanship and fairness above winning…nothing could fit more perfectly.

The loathsome Greg Paulus equates to Draco Malfoy—they even look kind of alike, though we would argue that Malfoy is more attractive.

SO Draco.

And who is our Harry Potter? Easy: Tyler Hansbrough. The two share flawed eyesight, and just as we’ve seen Harry Potter lose his glasses in a Quidditch match, we’ve watched Tyler lose his contacts on the basketball court. As far as his pals, we’d argue that Bobby Frasor is Ron Weasley and that Ty Lawson is Hermione.

The Chosen One!!!!!!!!!

So, it’s not perfect, but we think it’s PDC (pretty damn close). Ahem, on a closing note—you know that would make the Daily Tar Heel a combination of the Daily Prophet and Quibbler, its editor Rita Skeeter…and us your Weasley twins and Lee Jordan.

Go Heels!

Alumnus Worries Anti-Duke Sentiments Border On Hatred: Happily Confirmed

After reading alumnus Charlie Hayes’ Letter to the Editor in the DTH today titled “Anti-Duke attitudes are often blatantly hateful,” we at the Daily Tar Hole were left with many questions. Who is Charlie Hayes? Why is he so bothered by hate speech directed towards Duke? Why is he writing letters to the Daily Tar Heel about it 60 years after he graduated and why, at 82, isn’t he devoting his time to something more worthy of his age and experience–like staying alive? (Okay, maybe a little too far.) In the meantime, we have turned our attention to another question: why do we hate Duke so much?

There are some easy answers. Those of us who were here are quick to recall the Henderson-Hansbrough Nosegate Scandal of 2007. Those who weren’t could point to Coach K’s rat-like appearance/incessant whining/ill-will toward Dean Smith/Polish ancestry. But the hate runs so deep that basketball alone cannot be the answer.

Could it be the relative proximity of the universities? We have to see them, their alum, and their Satanic logo regularly. But these offenses don’t fully explain it, either. After all, the same could be said of N.C. State, but we don’t hate them so much as we ignore them, much as a mother ignores the child tugging at her skirt.

Why, then, do we so fervently hate Duke? It goes back to the characters of the two universities.

UNC and Duke have very different beginnings. The University of North Carolina was founded for the people of North Carolina and has served them since it opened its doors in 1795, producing many congressmen, state legislators, and governors, a president (James K. Polk), and countless intellects and academicians.

Duke, on the other hand, began life in its current state in 1924. It was named for James Buchanan Duke, a son of North Carolina (though he kept his primary residence in New Jersey) and the man who did more to contribute to the advancement of cancer in the United States than any other person in the 20th century. (The dissolution of Duke’s company, American Tobacco, led to the creation of both Philip Morris and R.J. Reynolds). To be fair, Duke has produced its fair share of important people, including a U.S. president – Richard Nixon – and Liddy Dole, who served as a chair (by which we mean the furniture kind) in the U.S. Senate until 2008.

UNC, a symbol of North Carolina’s history, stands for the state’s people and helps guide the state’s progress, and it has done so for more than 200 years. Duke, contrarily, is a lasting memorial to the vanity of an early 20th century tobacco magnate, and once it is old enough to have had some impact on history – beyond Watergate, of course – we’ll get back to you.

The student bodies, meanwhile, further illustrate the differences between the universities. UNC, in serving its mission as the state university of North Carolina, is populated chiefly by North Carolinians and only the finest from outside the state. But more importantly, UNC is populated by students who have somehow, against all logic, managed to find a way to enjoy college and work hard.

At Duke, you see a very different group of students. Words like “nerdy,” “squirmy,” and “boring” come to mind. We are told that a student had fun once in the 80’s, but all accounts say he was an over-privileged fuckup who couldn’t hack the Ivy League, and these rumors are unconfirmed, regardless. Is it any wonder that the Cameron Crazies live for basketball games and approach them with the same level of dedication, research and preparation, as one would a class? What else do they have to look forward to?The crazy parties at Duke? A lovely afternoon in the Gothic Reading Room? A rousing game of Magic the Gathering…or maybe Pogs? Getting mugged in downtown Durham? We might feel sorry for them if they were at all interesting or had any of the characteristics one looks for in another human being.

Was Mr. Hayes on to something? Maybe we shouldn’t hate Duke, but instead pity them and look down on them smugly as we do Wake Forest, or ignore them as we do N.C. State. But, at the end of the day, neither of these responses seem sufficient because unlike Wake or State, they just won’t leave us alone. They’re like that kid in high school who clearly wasn’t cool enough to hang out with you but wouldn’t go away. They’re actually worse than the friend that nobody likes…they’re the acquaintance of the friend that nobody likes.

So if our attitudes come across as hateful…they are. But every protagonist has its antagonist, right? The important thing to keep in mind is that we’re the good guys. And they’re not.

Overheard at UNC and Funny Link Friday

Two girls walking past Abernathy Hall:
Girl 1: Well, you know Rachel Ray didn’t know how to cook before they put her on the show, right? They just really liked her and then taught her.
Girl 2: Oh my God, that makes me feel so jaded. It’s like when I found out Molly Ringwald plays the mom on that stupid Secret Life of the American Teenager show on ABC Family. She was a star in the 80s, you know…

At Sutton’s for lunch:
Random older lady rushes up to Wayne Ellington:
Lady: “Hi! Are you a basketball player?!”
Wayne: “Yes, ma’am.”
Lady: (smiles brightly) “Will you come take this picture with us?”
Wayne: “Okay…”

Guy talking to his friend:
“Yeah, she’ll do it. She’s easy…well, I don’t know. She’s classy easy.”

Guys coming out of Alumni:
Guy 1: Man, that shit was hard.
Guy 2: Yeah, how the fuck am I supposed to know how to spell estrogen? We don’t have that shit.

Girls on P2P:
Girl 1: “OMG! I always sit on that side… this is, like, the opposite!”
Her friend: “I know! I always sit on this side!”

Guy on the U Bus:
“I get to jizz on his face. He signed a contract.”

Walking past Hanes Art Center:
Girl talking to one of her friends…”I’M A RAGING LESBIAN!!!”

Girl in Greenlaw on phone, accusingly:
“You do too have sex!”

Breakfast at Lenoir:
Guy: “Why is it when girls are on their period they always want to eat truffles and shit?”
Girl: “It’s a cultural thing.”

Funny Link Friday (More to Come Later):
1) garfieldminusgarfield.net: “Garfield Minus Garfield is a site dedicated to removing Garfield from the Garfield comic strips in order to reveal the existential angst of a certain young Mr. Jon Arbuckle. It is a journey deep into the mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness and depression in a quiet American suburb.” This is so funny.

2) Ever seen a dog run in it’s sleep? One of our friends almost cried laughing at this.

3) Slumdog Millionaire has been getting a lot of attention lately. But don’t associate all your Indian friends with it.

4) A New York Times article about Facebook friends…and de-friending.

5) Remember “One Week” by the Barenaked Ladies? Sorry if it gets stuck in your head…you’ve been forewarned.

6) The classic hamster on a piano. Exactly what it sounds like.

Have a kickass Spring Break, Chapel Hill. Stay classy…at least for those photos that make it onto The Facebook.