First and foremost, if it is after 7 AM on Tuesday and you are currently reading this post but have not yet voted in today’s elections, please do so by clicking here, logging into Student Central and clicking the “Vote Here” link in the bottom left corner. Yes, we know a lot of you think Student Government is a joke (believe us, we wouldn’t exist if it weren’t so funny), but you must realize that by not voting, you forfeit your right to complain. And that would suck.
Also, if you’re a dues-paying member, you can vote in the Campus Y’s Co-President elections here or in person at the Y.
You aren’t the only ones who are sick of navigating the treacherous sea of A-frames and screaming campaign staffers in the Pit. And if the icky weather causes you to actually get sick, remember current Student Body President Jasmin Jones’ words of wisdom, spoken at this year’s campaign kick-off meeting: “Get your gloves on and your multivitamins out…For real everyone, take your multivitamins. I’m serious.” (By the way, recent studies have found that taking vitamins actually does nothing for your health. You get an “A” for effort, though, Jasmin.)
Come to think of it, some of the signs are also looking a little worse for the wear. Cheap plywood + a maintenance crew that has no idea how to deal with snow = crippled A-frames.
One cast-off A-frame, a causualty of the past few weeks' unseasonably snowy weather.
This sign might not be resigned to such a warped existence if its creator had simply invested in more weather-resistant plywood.
The huge letters’ fluorescence and the staffers’ enthusiasm, however, appear undiminished by the winter. And Tom Kuell, Imma let you finish, but those are 
Thomas Edwards’ letters. I see you.
But back to the, er, important issues. If you feel completely ill-informed about this election and picked up this morning’s DTH hoping to gain some useful knowledge about the candidates only to find this surprisingly well-written article from the Depressing Shit We Already Knew Desk, then you’re not alone.
But fear not, we here at the DTHole are committed to helping you make an informed, intelligent decision this election season. We read (alright, skimmed) all six candidates’ platforms, including the 680-page Narwhal Manifesto. We also attended as many of the forums as we could stomach.
After all this research, we figured, hey, if all these random organizations (Computer Science Club? Seriously?) get to endorse a candidate, why shouldn’t we?
We hoped to base our decision on the questions and answers we heard at the DTH forum, which exists because, as Editor-in-chief Andrew Dunn explained, “We feel like it’s important to have a forum that’s not tied to any particular agenda or group – that’s open for any student to come and voice their questions.”
However, after about ten minutes, we fell asleep, and were thus left to evaluate the candidates based on the question they happened to be answering when we woke up. The question was, of course, “What is your favorite party song?”
Greg, we think it's awesome that you do some modeling on the side for gourmet eatery A Southern Season. Why wasn't this more heavily publicized in your platform?
GREG STROMPOLOS: “One More Time” by Daft Punk. Okay, legit. But at the boUNCe forum, he cited “Party and Bullshit in the USA” as his favorite song, which sucks because the “A Milli/Party in the U.S.A.” remix is actually wayyyy better. Inexcusable.
At the DTH forum, Greg emphasized his multiculturalism by saying several times, “My high school spoke 52 languages.” Shit, our brick prison of a high school never said a word to us! So jealous. This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “if walls could talk.”
The only person we can think of who shared this experience with Greg is this kid named Harry Potter, who spent many an intense night pacing the halls of Hogwarts while the walls whispered to him in Parseltongue. Maybe Greg’s high school’s 52-language repertoire included Parseltongue too.
MONIQUE HARDIN: “Party in the U.S.A.” by Miley Cyrus. Again, the Weezy remix is better. We’re also afraid that Monique is just too delicate for the job: in her campaign photos she appears to be holding on to the Old Well fountain for dear life…was it really that windy that day, Mo?
Don't let go. Don't let go. Shitshitshit.
NASH KEUNE: Tchaikovsky’s The Year 1812, Festival Overture in E flat major. Yep, Nash’s pick, according AP Style, is so pompous that it gets italics and not quotation marks. Word. We can’t endorse you because you pose too much of a threat to us, and we don’t want to spend the next year watching you steal our thunder. But if you lose, can we have your A-frame fortress?
SHRUTI SHAH: “Everybody Dance Now” by…Shruti didn’t know who sang this. Just in case you all were wondering, it’s actually “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)” by C+C Music Factory. Shruti also demonstrated her stellar pop culture knowledge at the boUNCe forum, when she said her favorite song was “that song ‘Replay’…by I think his name is Lyaz?” It’s Iyaz. Way to go. Have you heard of a little series of movies by the name of Star Wars?
HOGAN MEDLIN: “United States of Pop 2009″ by DJ Earworm. This is the musical equivalent of a politician who tries to be all things to all people. It is a mashup of every single top 25 song from this past year. Talk about overstimulation. But it’s really fucking good.
JOE LEVIN-MANNING: “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga. Joe Michelle Gellar, sorry, Joe Levin-Manning had a solid, if slightly cliché favorite party song, which incidentally inspired us to award him third prize…keep reading.
We then spent hours carefully deliberating and considering this information before coming to a decision about whom The Daily Tar Hole would officially endorse for the 2010 UNC Student Body President election. However, we didn’t really like any of these songs, so we decided, fuck criteria. We instead made our decision based on a single, all-important criterion: Which candidate is the fewest degrees of separation away from Lady Gaga?
Shruti Shah gets the endorsement because she is only two degrees of separation away from Lady Gaga. Shruti is pictured here in 2005 next to The Big O, after receiving the Keeper of the Dream Award, the kid’s version of the Freedom Award, which Oprah received that year. Yep, no big deal. Flanking them are just some nobodies: Paul Rusesabagina, the original hotelier of Hotel Rwanda; Tracy Ellis, Diana Ross’ daughter; and civil rights activist Ruby Dee. You couldn’t Photoshop this if you tried. Oprah, of course, is buddies with Lady Gaga and apparently shares her taste in eye wear.
ONLY TWO DEGREES OF SEPARATION FROM LADY GAGA!! Definitely SBP-worthy.
Hogan Medlin was our runner-up, due to his friendship with fellow Clef Hanger and American Idol alum (not to mention UNC alum) Anoop Desai. To the left of this hilarious snapshot of Hogan and Noop Dawg is a photograph of Anoop and other Season Eight finalists Adam Lambert and Matt Giraud. Not surprisingly, the outlandish Lambert and Stephani Joanne Angelina Germanotta (Lady Gaga’s real name) like to party together.
Three degrees – not too shabby. Glambert is such a connector!
Joe Levin-Manning was the second-runner up because he chose “Bad Romance” as his favorite party song.
Dogged though we were in our stalking investigative reporting, we couldn’t find any links between Our Lady of Gaga and any of the other candidates. However, if any candidate can prove a closer link to Lady Gaga (meaning you have a picture of yourself and her) send the photographic evidence our way, and we will happily retract our endorsement in favor of the closer connection.
More importantly, if you’re that close with Lady Gaga, why the hell isn’t that the backbone of your platform? And why isn’t she coming to Memorial Hall instead of Duke’s LDOC?
And finally, we have to point out the hilarity of the fact that we are endorsing the same candidate as Justin Crowder of The Carolina Review: http://crdaily.com/2010/02/sketches-of-our-sbp-candidates/. Clearly, this (i.e., being in agreement with The Carolina Review) happens to us all the time, especially when it comes to things like reproductive rights and health care reform. Let us savor this moment of harmony!
This just in (another irony!): The DTH actually agrees with us too!! http://www.dailytarheel.com/content/shruti-shah-sbp. Copycats…
